< Blog >

in the absence of expected disaster, we are
left again to what we do not want to be
left again to: each other—each other’s eyes

to Hive being

welcome

What is Hive Being, and Why the Name?

You have likely heard talk of a hive mind, where one global mind finds more or less figurative expression in various local minds. Such talk is common enough in nature documentaries, especially ones concerning ants or bees, and in sci-fi programs. Take that notion, at least a loose version of it, and broaden its scope. That will be a decent first step in understanding the title I have chosen both for my Blog and for the first five-volume installment of my magnum opus Made For You and Me, a fragmentary collection of minimalist stanzas from 2016 to 2020.

In alignment with Spinoza (the 17th Century Rationalist to whom I devoted my doctoral studies), I view reality in its totality as a grand hive Being: all entities are but pulsating manifestations of the buckstopping fount of everything, an ultimate being we might call “God” or “Nature” (so long as, out of respect for the capital “G” and the capital “N,” we limit it neither to some anthropomorphic cloud father hurling lightning bolts nor to mere wilderness untouched by human smog). According to the hive-Being view (where reality is one lone superorganism, a monistic—and we might even say unividualist—conception I defend in both my creative and academic capacities), each non-foundational being (each being, that is, whose essence does not involve existence) is an utterly necessitated expression or eruption or exudation of this eternal source—each is, perhaps better put, a mode or manner of being, and so a focal point through which is disclosed, what classical theists sometimes call “being itself” (ipsum esse subsistens): the realness of the real, the being of whatever may be, the sheer activity of being, the very isness of whatever is. This Blog, which duplicates my Substack, throbs as but one among many literary unfurlings of this self-necessitated foundation, this supreme wellspring, of which we—like black holes and broken beliefs, like fractal ferns and flickering flames—are the inevitable stylings.

My Journey

I am an academic who found himself pressured into early retirement by the rising tides of cancel culture. The illiberal scourge of censoring, silencing, and shaming—although always with us throughout our evolution—reached a local peak around 2021. That was the turbulent year my creative pursuits, which the old left once encouraged as a healthy outlet for the stresses of a childhood steeped in poverty and illiteracy, drew the ire of the new safe-space left. A small cadre of self-proclaimed victims and their allies, several of whom continue to berate me years later under pseudonyms as see through as their sexual infatuation, sought to erase me and my heterodoxy. They found support from a wannabe-woke dean, covered in the grand inquisitor robes of our decadent modernity (full-body tattoos) and just itching to signal his commitment to protecting “vulnerable populations” from triggering material (even if just, as it was in my case, off-duty poems “unbecoming for someone calling himself a teacher”). Although I eventually won my due-process case with the help of The Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression, I slunk away from a college that turned its back on protecting freedom of expression and from an institution increasingly intolerant of intellectual diversity.  

The wrecking ball to my too-comfy office in the windowless ivory tower came with a silver lining. From the ashes of my professional aspirations rose a phoenix of increased freedom to fulfill the literary calling I have pursued for decades. Reputation concerns never stopped me, even within academia’s sterile halls of conformity. Indeed, my unapologetic defiance, which has long baffled friends and family, no doubt chummed even safe waters—almost as if I were asking for it all along—until the cancel shiver grew too frenzied to hold back its blind thrashings. But now, now I piston the most forbidden territories of human thought with no longer even a twinge of conscience. The newfound freedom means extra time to hone my craft. When not assisting special-needs communities (a day job far more rewarding than freeway-flyer drudgeries), I pursue my literary mission with Dionysian fervor.

Call for Co-Conspirators

This space, my digital sanctuary, showcases the fruits of my mission. Think of my posts, even those linking to my publications, as works in progress. I want your input, unflinching brutality included. Each post begins with an invitation to action: “Let’s workshop this [draft about x, y, z].” Your contributions, whether through public comments or my contact page, help hammer scraps of ore into polished blades fit for magazine publication.

Your input is valuable, even if you are neither a writer nor a reader of literature—twin disciplines dying by the cyber nanosecond. Sometimes—even if at the risk of uttering banalities—an outsider’s fresh vantage can pierce the veils of convention to reveal what insiders miss. It often takes an outsider to make us even think to question our ingrained presuppositions and attitudes. I stand by the hygienic value of contagion. That is one reason I advocate so strongly for intellectual diversity and freedom of expression. And that is also one reason I was so harrowed by the anti-diversity swell of cancel culture in academia (an institution that should be the utmost caretaker of such values)—harrowed especially insofar as that swell masqueraded under the gaslighting guise of “diversity”).

You will witness the breathing evolution of my writings over time. To track these changes, I label each revision by round: “ROUND 2,” ROUND 3,” and so forth. Each piece undergoes continuous refinement based on your feedback and my own revisitations. Sometimes changes will mar the work. That is the risk of creative tinkering as a finite creature. I hope you will alert me to missteps. After many semesters of university writing workshops, one rule has impressed itself upon me: when someone senses a flaw, something almost always needs to change—even if, yes, the proposed solution misses the mark (which often it does). From a quick look into the archives, accessible here, you can see how much I have benefited from your feedback so far.

My Hope

Sharing drafts can be daunting. But showing you the ravaged and unperfumed real deal unfiltered by makeup (stuttering starts and falsities, awkward line breaks and clumsy word choices, grammatical errors and misspellings)—that not only makes my work more relatable, but helps me refine things through your input. I hope the unfiltered look at the raw process of fumbling, rather than just the polished product, also helps other writers develop their craft. Imperfect works often instruct more than perfect ones: whereas the perfect ones tend to have a grace by which they slip inside us without activating our scrutiny, the imperfect ones—especially the near perfect ones—show us glaringly what not to do.

People laugh at me, seeing—in my tilting at the windmills of literary excellence—a Don Quixote clunking around in Arthurian armor in a post-knight era. I am not naïve. I am well aware of the diminishing ability to read, let alone well: slowly and deeply, with gratitude. I am also aware that my style, which often nests subpoints within larger points, never waters down virtuosity for the sake of mass appeal. I watch readers stumble over my sentences, unable to unlock even just the music of the envelope let alone the semantic meat within, which—given my tendency to flashlight through the darker facets of human nature (the addicts, the miscreants, the abusers among us)—only adds an additional alienating layer of difficulty). Beholding these depressive scenes of even supportive family members getting bucked off my syntactic bronco makes me feel like a dinosaur who should get a hint and, if not succumb to the brain rot of skibidi-toilet speak, just hang himself already. Even though the decline in linguistic background and grammatical voltage makes my compositions seem quixotic in a world binging Netflix and TikTok, I persist—raging against the dying of the light—by some internal compulsion to celebrate the richness of language and thought.

My hope is that, despite social media’s unparalleled power to farm our attention, people never forget the unique power of writing. Beyond unveiling hypocrisy, teasing out complex implications, and detailing the commonalities between even the most alien phenomena, writing offers something we need today—trapped in agoraphobic cyber bubbles only thickened by the Lyme dangers of forests and the COVID dangers of cities—perhaps more than ever. Granting us rich access to the first-person perspectives of others (to how things feel to them), writing serves as one of humanity’s best tools for combating loneliness. It allows us to linger, broadly and deeply and at high resolution, within the inner lives of others in a way that other arts can only suggest.

What to Expect

My work spans a broad spectrum: from metaphysical discourses on free will and determinism and the ontology of holes to the ephemera of western culture (whether the childhood impacts of the hypersexual mono-image of black woman as squirting twerkers or Terrence Howard’s sham revolution of mathematics). Some tight and minimal, others free-flowing sprawls; some heady and abstract, others emotional and imagistic—my inkwell musings, which often blend scholarly rigor with a dark humor from both high and low culture, aim to capture the visceral intensity of our personal and social and ultimately existential predicaments.

By no means can I deny that drug abuse, sexual assault, and the tales of the broken and the damned loom large in the tag cloud of my work. My writing will never be a paradise of easy truths and comforting lies. It will challenge you, provoke you, and at times even repulse you. I offer no apologies for the monsters I unleash. They are as much a part of us, at long root scared rodent mammals scurrying in the shadows of dinosaurs, as our noblest aspirations.

But make no mistake. It is not all downer darkness. The archives are my receipts. You will find pieces exploring the pursuit of authenticity in a media-saturated world, the search for meaning in an indifferent cosmos, and the celebration of beauty in both the sublime and the profane. I locate much of my inspiration, in fact, in novelists like Dostoevsky and poets like Ted Kooser—writers unafraid to pursue moral agendas or risk Hallmark sentimentality in an age that often sneers at sincerity.

Be they satirical dissections of modern social dynamics or poignant poems about addiction or academic articles on moral responsibility, my goal is to provoke thought, evoke emotion, and foster meaningful dialogue. Fear has not and will not stop me from challenging humanity’s fundamental taboos (like bestiality and cannibalism) or self-reflecting into the dark chaos of the subconscious, even if that means exposing the Jungian shadows—the inner Goebbels—lurking within us all!

Expect posts each day, no day missed. Donations are welcome, but I impose no paywall: it feels wrong to charge for art, especially given our date with obliteration. Feel free to explore what amounts to, at the time of writing this, close to a thousand pieces of poetry and prose here. That should give you a sense of what awaits.

Join me—specula holstered—on this literary odyssey into the public and private nooks of the hive Being. Let us navigate the labyrinth of creation together, confronting our demons and even slaying our darlings if we must. Let us dance on the razor’s edge between the sublime and the profane in pursuit of an elusive literary perfection never to be confused—as it has been confused in our declining civilization—with the pursuit of popularity or likeability over truth.

Featured Posts

RSS Feed Link
Supplicant
Michael Anthony Istvan Junior Michael Anthony Istvan Junior

Supplicant

"Supplicant" captures the desperation of addiction, using the imagery of a fleeting, mistaken hope to highlight the depth of the speaker's psychological and physical thirst for relief. The poem opens with a scene of vulnerability: the subject is "on all fours," symbolizing a posture of both physical weakness and spiritual supplication. The fleck of perlite—a seemingly innocuous byproduct from tending to her pothos plant—becomes a powerful metaphor for the irrational yet overwhelming compulsion to seek solace in substances. Despite knowing it is "just a fleck of perlite," the subject’s desperation distorts reality, causing her to mistake it for "what she needed." The act of smoking it, though irrational, becomes a poignant expression of the lengths to which addiction drives individuals, highlighting the delusions that accompany both physical cravings and mental anguish.

The poem then deepens this sense of delusion by invoking the metaphor of a "castaway" succumbing to "the sea's false embrace." This metaphor powerfully conveys the theme of addiction as a cycle of self-destruction, where even those who "know better" are drawn back to harmful behaviors. The "psychosis of thirst" likens the addict's compulsion to the irrational behavior of someone lost at sea, kissing the saltwater that they know cannot quench their thirst, but whose allure is too strong to resist. This image emphasizes the tragic irony of addiction: the false hope that something inherently harmful will provide the relief that is so desperately sought.

The poem, though brief, explores the interplay of rationality and compulsion in addiction, revealing the tragic futility of seeking solace in false sources of comfort. "Supplicant" touches on the themes of vulnerability, delusion, and the cyclical nature of addiction, offering a stark meditation on the ways in which desperation can cloud judgment and drive individuals to self-destruction, even when they are fully aware of the futility of their actions.

addiction, desperation, compulsion, delusion, vulnerability, supplication, psychosis, false hope, substance abuse, self-destruction, craving, irrational behavior, castaway metaphor, addiction cycle.

Read More
Beatitude
Michael Anthony Istvan Junior Michael Anthony Istvan Junior

Beatitude

"Beatitude" explores the intersection of addiction recovery, self-deception, and the allure of spiritual transformation. The poem addresses an individual newly sober, less than "thirty-six hours" into recovery, yet already slipping into familiar delusions of grandeur. The title, "Beatitude," evokes notions of blessedness and spiritual elevation, contrasting sharply with the reality of the subject’s fragile sobriety. The speaker’s tone carries a mix of irony and frustration, challenging the individual's tendency to leap prematurely into self-righteousness or spiritual enlightenment.

The poem critically examines the pitfalls of early recovery, where a sense of newfound clarity can easily morph into a kind of self-congratulatory delusion. The reference to “the path of total self-surrender” suggests that the subject has embraced a recovery philosophy—likely rooted in spiritual or religious language—meant to facilitate humility and acceptance. However, the speaker questions the sincerity or depth of this commitment, highlighting how quickly the individual reverts to "delusion's preachy playbook." This phrase captures the tendency to replace one form of escapism (substance use) with another (self-aggrandizing spirituality), suggesting that the underlying issues remain unaddressed.

The second half of the poem shifts to the internalized, self-flattering thoughts that characterize the subject’s mindset. The notion of being "a saint, albeit one... in utero" illustrates the paradox of this false humility: the individual sees themselves as on a sacred path, yet acknowledges (though perhaps disingenuously) that they are still in the early stages. The metaphor of being "in utero" underscores the naivety and premature nature of such self-perception, pointing to a desire for sanctification without enduring the necessary trials of self-reflection and sustained effort.

"Beatitude" ultimately critiques the tendency to embrace spiritual narratives prematurely in the process of recovery, revealing how these narratives can serve as a new form of denial. The poem exposes the tension between the genuine desire for self-transformation and the ease with which the ego distorts that desire into self-glorification, even as the journey has only just begun.

sobriety, recovery, spirituality, delusion, self-surrender, false humility, addiction, self-deception, early recovery, spiritual transformation, ego, denial, self-reflection, beatitude, sanctity.

Read More
Morse Code of Distress
Michael Anthony Istvan Junior Michael Anthony Istvan Junior

Morse Code of Distress

Morse Code of Distress is a concise, evocative poem that captures the turmoil and desperation of a young boy. It highlights his compulsive need to scrape a concealed weapon against the rough textures of the urban environment. This act, set against the twilight backdrop, symbolizes his search for a decisive action that could end his life, a life from which he feels trapped and unable to escape on his own. The poem powerfully conveys themes of distress, compulsion, and the silent cries for help through the boy's actions.

Read More
michaelistvan.com (live, test run)
Michael Anthony Istvan Junior Michael Anthony Istvan Junior

michaelistvan.com (live, test run)

Please take a look at my developing website: michaelistvan.com, which you can get to as well via: safespacepress.com. I really appreciate your help. You can find a convenient sitemap here: michaelistvan.com/credits-acknowledgements-sitemap. Please check out my site and let me know if there are any bugs. It is still in draft form and needs a lot of work, but I would appreciate knowing if there any crucial problems with it.

Read More
The Tooth
Michael Anthony Istvan Junior Michael Anthony Istvan Junior

The Tooth

The Tooth presents a raw, visceral portrayal of a strained father-son relationship, shaped by addiction, violence, and a quest for validation. The poem is divided into three sections, each depicting different moments of emotional manipulation, cruel humor, and desperation, where the son—both victim and instigator—comes to terms with his father’s self-destructive behavior while grappling with his own emerging sense of identity and power.

The first section introduces the father’s addictions, presenting them as a backdrop to the son’s childhood. The father’s "oral fixation" manifests in chain-smoking and excessive drinking, both of which the son observes with a mixture of frustration and fascination. The vivid imagery of the father’s substance abuse—Newport 100s lit in succession, cases of Natural Ice consumed daily—sets the tone for the chaotic and dysfunctional dynamic between father and son. The son’s response is initially one of rebellion, expressed through pranks that, although humorous on the surface, hint at a deeper desire for control and revenge against a father who has repeatedly broken promises to quit drinking. The pranks evolve from lighthearted actions like throwing bologna on his sleeping father to darker, more demeaning acts, such as drawing a clown face on him while unconscious. This escalation mirrors the son’s increasing frustration with his father’s inability to change, as well as his own growing thirst for power over the man who once held authority in his life.

The second section delves deeper into the psychological complexity of their relationship. The son uses emotional manipulation to toy with his father’s guilt, constructing false narratives of abuse in order to provoke a reaction. The son’s performance, laden with after-school-special-style dialogue, showcases the depth of his cunning as he exploits his father’s drunken state. The father, despite his inebriation, is drawn in by the son’s fabricated stories, falling into a state of protective rage, sobbing and threatening to kill the imaginary abuser. This scene is both tragic and darkly comedic, as the father’s genuine concern is met with the son’s insincere playacting. The son’s need to provoke an emotional response from his father reveals a deeper longing for attention and validation, even if it means manipulating the man who is already emotionally fragile. The son’s fabricated accusations of "love games" reflect the blurred boundaries between affection, manipulation, and violence that characterize their relationship.

In the final section, the poem reaches its climax with the father’s self-inflicted tooth extraction. The scene is charged with a sense of masochistic pride as the father, goaded by his son’s taunts, proves his love and paternity by pulling out his own molar with a pair of linesman pliers. The son’s manipulation in this moment is both calculated and cruel, as he questions his father’s identity and challenges him to prove his worth. The father’s response—“If I love ya!”—is both a declaration of affection and a submission to the son’s power, as he mutilates himself to affirm his paternal role. The violent act of tooth-pulling becomes a grotesque metaphor for the father’s desperation to hold onto his place in his son’s life, even at the cost of physical pain and humiliation. The linoleum splattered with blood serves as a stark visual representation of the emotional carnage that has been building throughout the poem.

Throughout The Tooth, the son’s relationship with his father is marked by a complex interplay of love, resentment, and power. The son’s pranks and manipulations are not merely acts of rebellion but expressions of a deeper desire for control in a world where the father’s addictions and failures have rendered him powerless. The father, in turn, is portrayed as a tragic figure, both complicit in his own downfall and desperate for his son’s approval, even if it means self-destruction. The poem captures the cyclical nature of their dysfunction, where love is intertwined with cruelty, and validation is sought through pain. The repeated phrase, "If I love ya," underscores the father’s desperate need to prove his worth through extreme actions, while the son’s calculated manipulation reveals his growing understanding of the power dynamics at play.

Ultimately, The Tooth offers a stark commentary on the complexities of familial relationships, where love is often expressed through violence, manipulation, and self-sacrifice. The poem’s visceral imagery and dark humor amplify the emotional intensity of the father-son dynamic, leaving the reader to grapple with the unsettling nature of their bond.

father-son relationship, addiction, manipulation, self-destruction, power dynamics, oral fixation, familial dysfunction, emotional manipulation, tooth-pulling, dark humor, violence, paternal love, visceral imagery.

Read More
Coke Lessons
Michael Anthony Istvan Junior Michael Anthony Istvan Junior

Coke Lessons

In "Coke Lessons," M. A. Istvan Jr. delves into the dichotomy of drug-induced euphoria and the subsequent disillusionment, reflecting on how initial ecstasy devolves into a cycle of craving and regret. The poem begins with the protagonist's memory of his first experience with cocaine, marked by an overwhelming sense of euphoria and philosophical expansiveness that seemed permanent and untainted by the inevitable comedown. This initial high is described as a "new dilation of ecstasy," a metaphor suggesting an opening up to new dimensions of feeling and thought, which at the time appeared immune to the passage of time or change.

Years later, the protagonist finds himself understanding his friend's earlier reservations during their shared experience. The friend, despite indulging in the drug, was already aware of the impending crash, a mixture of craving for more and a foretaste of the "grinding-bitter comedown." The protagonist now empathizes with this perspective, recognizing that the anticipation of the low diminishes the purity of the high, an awareness that he couldn't comprehend during his first encounter.

The poem shifts to a present moment where the protagonist, now a seasoned user, finds himself in the company of a newbie. The newbie's enthusiasm and naive confessions—ranging from incestuous thoughts to gay thoughts—during their drug-induced bonding reveal the raw vulnerability and disorientation that come with the first rush of cocaine. The protagonist feels a deep sense of unease, knowing the cycle of regret and self-disgust that awaits the newbie, evident in the hurried flipping of records mid-song and the unrestrained giving of gifts that will soon be regretted.

This unease grows as the night progresses into dawn, with the newbie making desperate phone calls to people from his past, illustrating the isolating and desperate nature of addiction. The protagonist feels trapped, sickened by the dependency on an unreliable euphoria that is "fake, unnatural." The questioning of this artificial ecstasy versus natural joy culminates in a profound moment of introspection. The protagonist wonders why the chemical-induced happiness should be considered any less real than the joy derived from significant life events, such as the birth of a child. This philosophical quandary underscores the poem's exploration of the nature of happiness and the human condition's susceptibility to both natural and artificial stimuli.

"Coke Lessons" is a powerful narrative that juxtaposes the fleeting euphoria of drug use with the lasting consequences of addiction. Through vivid imagery and reflective introspection, Istvan captures the tragic arc from initial thrill to inevitable despair, highlighting the complex interplay between temporary ecstasy and enduring regret.

M. A. Istvan Jr., Coke Lessons, cocaine addiction, euphoria, comedown, drug-induced ecstasy, addiction regret, philosophical reflection, fleeting happiness, enduring disillusionment, human condition, drug experience, vivid imagery, introspective poem, nature of happiness.

Read More
Istvan Creative Writing Bios
Michael Anthony Istvan Junior Michael Anthony Istvan Junior

Istvan Creative Writing Bios

The reader should know, however, that some biographical information regarding early-childhood development might prove relevant here. Istvan grew up in a time and place where most of the people closest to him had something special going for them, a trump card—constantly leaned upon, constantly providing succor, constantly manifested in their swagger, constantly verbalized as an unconscious soothing mechanism to stoke endorphins of gratitude (healing even in the toughest times): the fact that, to cite the slogan so often used in moments grave and gay, “at least I’m not white.”

Read More
In That Way
Michael Anthony Istvan Junior Michael Anthony Istvan Junior

In That Way

**In That Way** is a vivid, poignant exploration of the fleeting moments of normalcy and hope experienced by a family grappling with addiction. The poem juxtaposes the harsh realities of drug use with the fragile hope of recovery, using powerful imagery and layered symbolism.

The opening lines set a stark scene: "Close to an 8-ball cut into one mother rail / on the jacket of Skynyrd’s Street Survivors / (frayed and faded by a dead father’s life)." The 8-ball, a slang term for a measure of cocaine, introduces the pervasive presence of drugs. The reference to Skynyrd's *Street Survivors* album, particularly one worn and "frayed and faded by a dead father’s life," suggests a legacy of hardship and loss. This album choice is significant; *Street Survivors* was released just days before the band's tragic plane crash, infusing the poem with a sense of foreboding and the shadow of past trauma.

The phrase "in that thinning sliver before / tunnel vision cloisters them again" captures the transient clarity before the drugs' effects take hold. The "kitchen glow" symbolizes a brief return to the familial and familiar, where the boys, "conjoined by mistrust of solo-detour sniffs," hint at the communal nature of their addiction, bound together by both camaraderie and suspicion.

The "Blackhole pupils" are a striking metaphor for the emptiness and allure of drug use, where the "fool’s gold" represents the false promises and illusory rewards of their addiction. Yet, despite this, "the boys sparkle in that way that fills Mom," suggesting that even in their altered state, there remains a glimmer of their former selves that brings fleeting comfort to their mother.

Mom's actions, "stirring a big pot of what they will not eat," underscore the futility and heartbreak of her efforts to care for them, juxtaposed with the boys’ "frenetic voltage," an image conveying both their hyperactive state and the electric, unstable energy they exude.

The final lines evoke a wistful hope: "where there is talk, daylight / talk, of sports and crushes, school and jobs; / talk, as seasons turn, of kicking the habit." This "daylight talk" contrasts sharply with the darkness of their addiction, reflecting ordinary aspirations and the cyclical nature of their lives. The reference to "seasons turn" suggests the passage of time and the recurring hope for change and recovery, even as the reality remains fraught with difficulty.

In sum, **In That Way** captures the complex interplay of despair and hope within a family affected by addiction. It highlights the moments of human connection and normalcy that persist despite the overarching shadow of drug use, offering a nuanced portrayal of the struggle for recovery and the enduring, if fragile, bonds of family.

Read More
AA Meeting
Michael Anthony Istvan Junior Michael Anthony Istvan Junior

AA Meeting

In "AA Meeting," M. A. Istvan Jr. captures the raw, unfiltered experience of a struggling individual at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, portraying the intensity and fragility of early sobriety. The poem opens with the vivid image of a hand fidgeting with "metallic ratatats," a metaphor that evokes the nervous energy and inner turmoil of someone wrestling with addiction. This hand, described as "too broken, too shifty in accent," symbolizes the fragmented and unstable state of the individual, whose mind is likened to "the brainstem wall scrabblings of a feral cat in a drown barrel." This powerful metaphor not only conveys a sense of desperation and entrapment but also the chaotic and primal instincts driving the addict's behavior.

The setting of the poem, a church basement, is significant as it underscores the solemnity and communal aspect of AA meetings, where individuals seek solace and support. The "knuckle staccato" shaking the basement suggests the pervasive anxiety and restlessness within the group, a shared struggle that is both individual and collective. The speaker's scowl, directed leftward, reflects a silent plea for connection or understanding, one that is met with desolation, highlighting the isolation often felt by those battling addiction.

The pivotal moment in the poem occurs on the speaker's seventh day of sobriety, a time when the temptation to relapse is particularly strong. The speaker's hand, in an almost involuntary act, reaches out to still the "whacko rudiments" of the fidgeting hand. This gesture of human connection, though seemingly small, carries profound significance. The physical touch not only steadies the fidgeting hand but also provides a grounding moment for the speaker, who finds an unexpected strength in this act of solidarity.

The convergence of eyes within the circle upon this touch signifies a collective acknowledgment and support, a crucial aspect of the AA community. The speaker, initially tempted to use this moment as an "excuse to go home, to mainline oblivion," instead finds the strength to remain present. The fact that the fidgeting hand does not pull away, but rather holds the speaker's hand throughout the session, symbolizes mutual support and a shared commitment to recovery. This touch, "faithful" and unwavering, becomes the catalyst for the speaker to speak for the first time, breaking through the barrier of silence and isolation.

Istvan's poem poignantly captures the delicate balance between despair and hope, illustrating how small acts of human connection can provide the strength needed to overcome the urge to relapse. The depiction of the AA meeting, with its raw and visceral imagery, offers a powerful testament to the resilience of individuals in recovery and the importance of community in the journey toward sobriety.

M. A. Istvan Jr., AA Meeting, addiction recovery, early sobriety, human connection, Alcoholics Anonymous, support group, raw experience, vivid imagery, metaphor, resilience, community, addiction struggle, poetic exploration, recovery journey.

Read More

blog

FAQ

Visit my Substack: Hive Being

Visit my Substack: Hive Being


Don’t let anyone tell you that real life is lacking in poetic interest. This is exactly what the poet is for: he has the mind and the imagination to find something of interest in everyday things. Real life supplies the motifs, the points that need to be said—the actual heart of the matter; but it is the poet’s job to fashion it all into a beautiful, animated whole. You are familiar with Fürnstein, the so-called “nature poet”? He has written a poem about growing hops, and you couldn’t imagine anything nicer. I have now asked him to write some poems celebrating the work of skilled artisans, in particular weavers, and I am quite sure he will succeed; he has lived among such people from an early age, he knows the subject inside out, and will be in full command of his material. That is the advantage of small works: you need only choose subjects that you know and have at your command. With a longer poetic work, however, this is not possible. There is no way around it: all the different threads that tie the whole thing together, and are woven into the design, have to be shown in accurate detail. Young people only have a one-sided view of things, whereas a longer work requires a multiplicity of viewpoints—and that’s where they come unstuck.—Goethe (Conversations with Eckermann)


Featured Blog Posts

in how many dreams might you
have appeared last night—
all those met along the way?