welcome
Welcome to Quirky Jerky. We bring you delicious high-quality beef jerky with an animalic—straight skanky, to be honest—curry-cumin twist.
Our carefully crafted recipe, worked into the meat by the same hands that give you Princess Imprints, ensures a taste sensation that will keep you coming back for more!
Dive into the world of Quirky Jerky and discover why our product stands out from the rest. Our flavor comes not only with spicy-tangy fun, but with a titillating story!
If you are expecting that vanilla pop music safe for Target shoppers, please look elsewhere. We are a niche house. We have style! We take risks!
fine print
Let’s get one thing out the way. Health and safety is our priority concern. Any cross contamination between Quirky Jerky and Princess Imprints will only ever be one way. That way should be obvious. Is it any surprise, with all the curry dishes in Jaipur, that all the sweat there reeks of curry?
All sales are final.
Why Jerky?
In terms of sumptuous tang, our jerky reigns supreme. You can bet your bottom dollar on that! But virtually all jerky is an excellent source of protein and essential nutrients, making it an ideal snack for the health-conscious and those on the go. Think about it. Even the TSA doesn’t hassle you for bringing it on flights. The benefits are too many to name. Doesn’t it just hit the spot? It fits no matter the region: scorching or chilly, arid or humid!
Jerky has proven a smash hit at festivals for its carrying convenience— although you have to remember to bring a toothpick! Especially at those that take place under the oppressive sun of the southern US (like Bonnaroo and Austin City Limits), jerky plays an important but understated role. It is dense with electrolytes that are as crucial as water in hot and sweaty environments. Ever had muscle cramps despite being well hydrated? If you had some jerky, that likely would not be happening. It’s the electrolyte factor.
Lastly, it’s worth noting the intriguing link between jerky and mania. Scientists hypothesize that jerky and other processed meats can trigger euphoric episodes lasting a week or more. While it might come with hyperactivity, insomnia, and risky behavior, we all need to live a little! And while the inevitable crash after a manic phase is never any fun—well, that’s precisely why they invented ketamine: to help you dissociate from the hurt, to help the negative self-assessment slide off you like butter on hot Teflon.
Why us?
At Quirky Jerky, we are unwavering in our commitment to using artisanal ingredients. We use quality cuts of top round, bottom round, eye of round, and sirloin tip. Our beef is marinated in a blend of soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, honey, and a harmonious blend of spices. The result is a flavor profile both opulent and unparalleled.
Our recipe, which we proudly share below (no proprietary secrets here), has a rich history that has guided its evolution to its current state of perfection. Please read our story below.
our recipe
Ingredients
Soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, smoked paprika, honey, brown sugar, black pepper, liquid smoke, apple cider vinegar, chili powder, chipotle powder, curry powder, red pepper flakes, garlic powder, onion powder, cayenne pepper, teriyaki sauce, Thai chili sauce, eye of round (or similar beef cut).
Method
After a day or two of luxuriating in our tantalizing marinade, our beef strips are gently suspended in an open oven and slowly dried at a low temperature to ensure a perfectly chewy end product bursting with delectable flavor—an exquisite balance of savory and smoky accords with a sweet-and-spicy inclination towards the more animalic realms of curry and cumin (just like our Princess Imprints).
our story
Quirky Jerky started well into the life of Princess Imprints. The unique cumin-curry DNA consistent with our new source (the lovely Liyah) made us wish we could literally consume the thick olfactory experience she gave us. We saw her layers of lips and thought of the stock image of roast beef, folded in piles on a sandwich. But while this meshed with the visual, it fell short in terms of fragrance. How could we honor her smell of Caribbean wild goat? She was never going to be captured in some Arby’s sandwich if we were serious about honoring not just our visual but our olfactory senses as well.
Jerky—that was the answer. Jerky could be loaded with all her barnyard skank in concentrated form. It could literally be munched and sucked on! Chewy, salivating—what better substitute, especially while huffing away on her undies? We like to think of each Quirky Jerky strip as a sort of mummified version of her central goods.
So here’s what we did. We watched Liyah eat for over two months. We had her keep a log of all her intake. After building a solid core recipe, we added in the elements that explained her characteristic indolic stank. Because she ate a lot of barbecue (ribs, brisket, pulled-pork sandwiches), and because it was hard not to imagine that some smoking-curing action evident in the used panties had to do with the relentless swishing-friction of her tremendous thighs, adding in liquid smoke was a no brainer. We use a combo of hickory and mesquite. Yes, we did think of just incorporating a smear right from the WAP, so to say. But legal counsel advised against it.
That was our general approach. How to get the characteristic cumin-curry scent that many buyers have noted in her products—that was obvious: cumin and curry, and lots of it. And when it came to the creamy-gooiness of her sometimes-amber and sometimes-yellow residues, honey and brown sugar came to mind. Because she studies Italian in school, throwing in Italian dressing was an obvious choice since its extra vinegar content (which we also get in the Worcestershire and the apple cider vinegar) would work its tenderizing magic.
It all just came together, organically. We experimented with different ingredients and techniques, we sniffed panties and live tang side-by-side with jerky, until we found the ideal combination of flavors and textures.
We are proud to share our creations with you. They are made with love and care in every batch.
pricing
We sell by the pound. Since we are a small business, we cannot handle orders over 5 pounds. However, if you do order 5 pounds, you will get it for the price of 4. That is our one and only volume discount. Our price per pound is $50.
Jerky costs can vary widely. It all depends on factors such as the quality of the meat, the ingredients used, the brand, and whether it is homemade or commercially produced. As you have already seen from the fact that we advertise our recipe to empower you to make it on your own, transparency is crucial for us. So let us explain why we price the way we do.
Low-End Jerky: Typically full of preservatives and made in a factory (ranges from around $20 - $30 per pound).
Mid-Range Jerky: Uses fewer preservatives and better-quality ingredients with more unique recipes beyond just the vanilla standard (ranges from around $30 to $50 per pound).
High-End Jerky: Features premium-quality beef and gourmet flavors that suggest take-it-or-leave-it artistry (ranges from around $50 to $100 per pound).
We have many of the markings of high-end jerky. Everything is completely handmade in individual batches. We are also willing to risk alienating mass audiences by pushing our intensity to Coltrane-solo territories well beyond Taylor Swift and Ice Spice. That said, our beef is not necessarily going to be organic and grass-fed. Considering these factors, plus the cost of labor, packaging, overhead, and ingredients at a time of inflation, $50 per pound is the only way we can stay competitive.
testimonials
Quirky Jerky is hands down the best beef jerky I've ever had! The flavors are incredible, and it's so tender. I can't get enough! - Jamie L., Austin, 2022
I love the Spicy Kick! It's got just the right amount of heat without being overwhelming. Perfect snack for my hikes. - Alex P., Austin, 2022
Michael Istvan was fired from his university due to unethical and unstable behavior in class. I reported him after he mocked me as a cruel “white Karen” who uses her black children for a virtue-signaling boost to sell real estate. He was fired for violating section 8 federal anti-discrimination laws (among other things). I doubt he will teach again. This man is not stable, sane, or safe. That should be clear. Look at what he puts on his website! This fucking misandrist is now more over the hill and disempowered than ever. He’s on his way to nowhere, and fast!—Erin Reichman-Jackson, Round Rock, 2022
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FAQ
Visit my Substack: Hive Being
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But after the public has once tasted this highly seasoned food, and has become accustomed to it, it will always long for more, and that stronger.—Goethe (Conversations with Eckermann)
